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Dear Kids,

So today was another crazy day.  Thursdays are not so bad from a Law School perspective, but both of you have activities.  I love that, but hate it at the same time.  Although I made the decision to attend law school, I cannot allow you to not participate in any activities because I cannot pick you up.  I could send you to after care, but that would cost me $30 each day (I am too cheap for that if I don’t have to be).  The fact is, I love running around, picking up and dropping off.  5 years ago when I chose to return to work, I longed for the time when you both had playdates, and school clubs.  I know postpartum depression (I will teach you guys what that means when the time is right) led me to return to work, and although I love having a career, I ponder what life would be like if I was home everyday waiting for both of you to come home from school.

Your dad never once questioned my decision to work 5 years ago, even if it was hairbrained on so many levels.  He has always been good at letting me figure things out.  I have to say, I have often believed that deciding to return to work when you were a baby K, contributed to a lot of your struggles now.  Of course had I not returned to work, I most likely would not have reclaimed my goal of law school, and without your struggle K, I would not have found my purpose. I know that I am super busy right now, but I have vowed to make sure your growth is always first.  I pray I can balance between school and you guys, and still excel.   If I can’t and I have to choose, I know who wins.  It will always be you.

Love you both a bunch,

Mom

Dear Kids,

So, today was the official first day of classes.  It was rather scary.  I rose my hand and answered incorrectly in Civ Pro.  No biggie, I am over it now, but it stung when it happened.  I am still running on the pangs of inadequacy.  I know, mom is usually confidant, and telling you that you can do anything. I totally believe that, and even though I am less of an optimist than your dad, I know for a fact that whatever you want to do (barring illegal activities, or activity that will mortally hurt someone), all you need is a little preparation and a big kick in the but.  

Love you guys,

Mikila

So, I am back in Law school.  Spring semester.  Today is the first official day of classes.  I was reading for one of my classes late last night, and had a random thought about something my son needed for school.  I emailed some friends about my randomness, and one suggested I continue to write a blog about my law school experience as a mom.  My time has been nonexistent, but I thought it would be cool to write a letter to my kids as my posts, so that they can practice their reading, while seeing how mommy is coping with this school thing.  Here goes letter 1:

Kids,

First of all, thanks for taking this journey with me.  I know you did not have a vote, but your support and cheers mean so much to me.  I apologize for last semester.  I am happy I had the opportunity to experience new school jitters with you both.  The fact that all 3 of us were the new kids made me much more empathetic to the bumps in the rode.  I also think I knew what types of questions to ask you, and which ones to table until later.

Just to let you in on mommy’s crazy day, yesterday I had my first writing class.  My professor (teacher) is really awesome.  We were learning about how to persuade the court to side with our client.  We cannot lie, so we have to take the facts and use them to our advantage.  My professor gave us milk and cookies, and read the 3 little pigs (from the wolf’s perspective), and we talked about cinderella’s evil stepmother, and even santa claus.  I know what you are thinking K, it’s just like your class.  It was sort of.  You were the first person I thought about.

Well, that is it for now.  I still have to prepare for my morning class.  I hope you guys are enjoying school.  Thanks again for being the best kids ever.

Mom.

Tomorrow starts 2012.  Time to review 2011 and decide what to focus on in 2012.  This brings me to a place where I look back on where my walk has brought me.  2 years ago, I decided to attend law school.  I studied for and took the LSAT that year.  In 2011, I focused my efforts on which law school I planned to attend.  I started my new path, and didn’t look back.

For me, 2012 means a return to my priorities.  I am working to reinvent my role as a mother, coach and confidant. I want to help my daughter be a better reader and student.  I want to help my son be a be a stronger athlete.  t I plan to be a better wife, sister, and friend.  Although I still have to focus on law school, I plan to be more organized so I can be more of me.

I plan to journal more about my 2012 journey.  I hope you enjoy the ride.

As some of you know, in addition to being a wife and mother, I am a first year law student.  As of this moment, I have completed 3 exams, and will take the final one this Wednesday.  I feel accomplished, but most of all I feel extremely guilt.

I feel guilty because I have worked extremely hard all semester, but at the expense of spending time with my children.  I feel like my actions were selfish, not because I did not spend more time with them, but because I am happier than I have been in a few years.  I feel like my happiness was to their detriment.

Mother’s guilt is a very strong emotion, which many mothers feel at some point during raising their children.  This feeling is not reserved only for working mothers.  A mom could feel guilty simply for going out to dinner with friends, even if they stayed home all day with their children.  At this moment, I feel guilty because I have neglected my children for the past 4 months, just so I could do well on 4 exams.

Although law school is stressful and time consuming, it doesn’t negate my love for my children.  I have to constantly reset my brain each day to make sure i do my best to show my children I love them, and that I want the best for them.  This task proved very difficult throughout the last 4 months.

Although my brain is telling me that my children a mother who is happy and excited about life, therefore they are happy as well, I can’t help but think about whether or not I should be a stay at home mom who is there for my kids when they get off the school bus.  Am a being selfish in my own quest for excellence at the expense of my children’s growth?

How do mothers in the world feel about mother’s guilt?  Do you feel a mother who did not previously complete their career goals, should wait until their children are older before they work toward their dreams?  Should they work toward their dreams while raising their children?  Do you feel that such a strong emotion is different for each mother, and should not stop a person from creating their own happiness?  Tell me your thoughts.

OK, so if anyone in the blogiverse decides to read this for advise on law school, here is a little advise.

First, let’s pretend you have taken the LSAT, and received your score.  Unlike your more traditional “classmantes,” you have more to consider with regards to where you will attend.  Obviously, if you have a chance at 1 of the top 6 schools, and you want to work in BigLaw (more on that later), you and your family may want to move.  If you are like many of us, and even with a 175 LSAT, your spouse or partner is not willing to uproot the family, then you have to start regionally. Begin with a list of all the law schools in your region and go onto their websites.  Begin to look at their programs, the average LSAT score of their students, and the overall vibe of the school.  I live in New York, so my choices were vast.  If you have less than 5 schools to choose from, jump in and apply to all 5.  Application cycles generally run from September-December, then you wait for responses.  It is ideal to apply around thanksgiving, but be realistic about this as well.  Unlike others, YOU may be hosting Thanksgiving, or cooking for it.  It may be best to apply 2 weeks before so that it is out of your hair.

Second, consider how you want to organize this process.  Personally, I paid a consultant to assist me with certain parts of the process.  Email me if you are interesting in a list, but a few great ones are Sonel Shropshire, Anna Levine, Kaplan, etc.  If the cost is an issue, google law school process or get a book on the subject.  I am working on providing a more detailed synopsis, but due to 1L coursework, that cannot happen now.

Bottom line is this, you are unique, and if you are even taking the steps to apply to law school, you are serious.  Unlike others, you have people depending on you, and honestly, you will take time away from them.  You don’t have time to play around with their life or your money.

I will try to blog in chronological order, but I cannot promise that.  I may jump right into my first weeks, or I may mention what I did to prepare my life for this transition.  If I am speaking to anyone in particular, it is the mother who has a supportive spouse, and school-aged children.  I don’t have perspective on anything else.

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